Family - The Ties That Bind...And Gag! by Erma Bombeck

Author:Erma Bombeck [Bombeck, Erma]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2011-09-21T06:17:39+00:00

Unknown

MOMMIE AND DADDIE DEAREST!

Saturday: 9:15 a.m.

“Hey, look who's up!” said one of the boys. “Our sister! What's the matter, did your mattress catch fire?”

“Where's the coffee?”

“If you want a Danish.. .they're history.”

“I do not want a Danish. I do not eat breakfast,” she said tiredly.

“Remember what Mom used to tell you? There was a buzzard following you all the way to the bus stop.”

“Please. What kind of disgusting cereal is that?”

“Fibre-Bran Nuggets. It's caffeine-free, no sugar, no preservatives, and makes its own gravy. Box tops will earn you premiums on African violets and a whoopie cushion for your hemorrhoids.”

“God you're gross!” said his sister. “It looks like Dad is still putting all the old stale cereal into one box like no one notices.”

“Remember the time he combined Chock Full of Pimples with Puffed Crunchees and Cavity Flakes? The milk turned purple.”

“Oh, and remember the cereal embargo. No cereal was to be brought into the house until every cereal on the shelf was eaten. There was an outbreak of cereal incest and we ended up with eight boxes more than we started.”

“Where are Mom and Dad?” asked our daughter.

“Jogging.”

“But the car is gone.”

“You don't think they walk to the jogging path?”

“Are they a pair to draw to ... or what?”

“Frankly,” said a son, “I think we're too old to sit for a Christmas card picture.”

“So, what's wrong with that? Besides, Morn and Dad like having us home. Makes them feel young and needed again.”

“Did you see her last night? She poured me half a glass of milk and told me not to spill it. The woman still doesn't trust me.”

“Why should she?” said his brother. “Your whole life's been a lie beginning with the time you stuffed all your papers down the sewer so you wouldn't be late for a Little League game.”

“You should talk,” he charged. “You were supposed to bring Mom to school when you were caught belching the 'Ave Maria' during Mass and you told the school she was out of town.”

“Hey, what could I do?” he retaliated. “I was thinking of becoming a priest and I didn't want it on my record.”

“If they only knew half of the things we did when we were kids, they wouldn't have permitted us to grow up,” said his sister.

“They weren't perfect either,” said our son. “Mom used to put us outside to play when the chill factor was 70° below zero. She said, 'Get a little fresh air. It's good for you.' ”

“And I know for a fact she gave us tranquilizers on our vacation and told us they were vitamins.”

“No wonder when I crayoned I couldn't keep within the lines.”

“Yeah, but you all got the young parents,” said the baby of the group. “Since you guys screwed up, she came down hard on me so they wouldn't make the same mistake and get the same results. Like how old did she tell you she was before she was allowed to drive a car?”

The oldest said, “She told me she was twenty-one.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.